Life in Balance: Amit D. Chaudhary’s Blog
• • • • •

Somehow long trips have appealed to me, the chance of seeing new places, meeting people, really have deep, new and different experiences.

Aha, what an idea.

I will blog over the next few days about some from other people’s lives that stood out.

Around the World… with kids, 28 countries in one year

The Highams, a Silicon Valley based family traveled with their two children, aged 8 and 11 in 2005-2006 around the world. The trip was one year in duration, 10 years in planning, with a minimal budget of U$120,000.

The Countries they visited: Iceland, England, France, Switzerland, Austria, Czech Republic, Poland, Sweden, Denmark, Germany, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Dubai, U.A.E, Tanzania, Mauritius, Singapore, Japan, China, Thailand, Cambodia, Costa Rica, Panama, Bolivia, Chile, Argentina, Peru, Belize. The children kept up with their school work during the trip.

The above link is to the San Jose Mercury News article, the Highams also have an informative website called Armageddon Pills which includes an FAQ, Some stories, Pictures in a gallery or on a map, How to plan your own trip and the book they are writing.

Here are some pictures from their trip:

Lavender’s Hormone Havoc
Lavender and other fragrant oils may cause breast growth in boys. Pediatric endocrinologist Clifford Bloch of the University of Colorado at Denver diagnosed three otherwise healthy boys–ages four, seven and 10– with prepubertal gynecomastia, a rare condition that leads to breast growth in prepubescent males. They all had used lavender-scented soap and skin lotions, or shampoos or styling products that contained lavender oil and tea tree oil… From the Scientific American, Apr 2007 issue.

The condition went away when the lavender treatment was stopped. Lavender is quite popular in many products due to it’s superb smell and known effects on stress reduction, this was my first reading on any adverse effect. This was surely surprising to I read\learn.

And here is another article for contrast on not getting too cautious when raising kids: We Protect Kids From Everything But Fear

I read a blog posting by Erin Pavlina: Children vs. Purpose: Do the two mix?

It’s timing was interesting as a few people I know have or are having children and our child became 3 year old recently, giving me enough space to think with somewhat experience and hopefully insight.

My own difficulties were not from if I do someother things, what will it take away from my child, but more of, what should I drop from other areas of my life due to the new things in life.
My letter to new parents, especially for the first two years in forms of suggestions

• Get help when the new born comes, particularly for the first few months. Ask grandparents to come(if possible) for a few months, one at a time, get a maid to clean up, iron clothes and even cook a little. Grandparents are great also because they have done it all and are mostly wise and cool at handling child issues.
• Make a conscious decision of what you will drop from your life else things will drop anyways, but without your knowing. Hints: Meeting with friends will happen less, so will Movies or or TV books that you read for leisure. The career and success by hard work (> 40 hours per week) will go on a hold or take away from other areas including sleep and health.
• Get healthy and stay healthy, especially if you have a sendetary career (like software development.) I would highly recommend Yoga.
• Finally some guideposts from a parent’s POV: First 3 months: Will be a blur, lot of tiredness and lack of sleep. Stick together and share the burden. Next 6 months: Getting better, but still tough going and requiring stamina but with more free time and energy. Go slow in bringing up old or new activities back. Next 9 months: The best and great fun, the baby responds, smiles and laughes, even walks and some words come out. Sleep times are now much longer (6-8) It is a delightful time. Try to ensure, baby sleeps in her bed\room by this age, 9-18 months. Next 12 months: It is easy from here on, things only reduce including no diapers and so on.

And if I were to reply to the question to Erin, it would be:

Question: Can one live their life with purpose if the purpose seems to be almost entirely for or through their children? And if a person feels like they need to be doing more, how do they do so without being as invested in their children as they could have been? - Laura

Yes one can live their life with purpose, if their purpose is entirely for their children. I know people who do and are happy. It is same as people who can work in a single company and job all their life and be happy. Satisfaction is a personal goal, everyone needs to find their own.

If I were to look at purpose as find one’s calling or even increase in one area of life (Career, Spiritual, Money), early parenthood is a tough time to make new leaps. Things are better off put on a hold for say 2 years.
If a person feels they need to do well and can(say afford daycare) and are happy with things happening in their child’s life, they should make changes to go and explore their purpose. It will take away from other parts of life including parenthood, however after a certain threshold, the impact of this will be less and less. Think of what will benefit the child as well as you, playtime or daycare will take the child away from the parents, but teach them social skills and let them have fun.

This threshold is yours to choose and know, for example, one threshold would be, you are happy making the child and having dinner, playing for an hour and teaching\learning for one hour each day. Another threshold would be, tucking in every night and reading a book. Choose it consciously.
Finally, I would point to the song, Cat’s in the cradle by Ugly Kid Joe among others.

POSITIVE PARENTING @ Pediatric Associates: by Karen Joslin, M.A.

The following scenario is a Mom remembering a tantrum when she was a four year old. Her father said it
was time for her nap:
She slammed the back door, breaking the window that was the top half of the door. She
screamed, shocked and horrified at the sound of the broken glass and at what she had done.
She remembers her father’s footsteps coming fast. He instantly picked her up out of the center of
the broken glass, and began scolding her. He carried her to her room, spanked her, and very
firmly told her to stay there until he came for her. She cried herself to sleep, and he came to get
her three hours later. He reminded her several times that she had ruined his day off, that he had
to clean up the broken glass and replace the window she had broken.
This father, believing he was teaching his daughter to behave, used a punishing, and excessively firm
parenting style. Though his intention was well meaning, the message was clear to her, she was a
naughty girl. Sadly, her focus was not remorse for losing control and breaking the window, but that
Daddy was scary, mean, and to be really careful when he was around. The long term results over time
with this approach if used again and again: He would want closeness with his daughter, and she would
wish he would travel more and be around home less. He would want her to trust him with her mistakes,
but she would lie, sneak and avoid him. Emotionally, she would learn not to trust her anger, and to hide
it. This would not serve her well in later life.
The good news is that these early recollections can help us learn to be the kind of parent we want to be,
and have better results. When asked, “What would you rather have happened?” one can begin to un-
derstand the emotional needs of the child. In our scenario, losing control and breaking the glass was a
shock, a terrible experience, and if handled positively, possibly a good life lesson to be learned.

What to Say and Do:
- The child may need help to calm and often a hug will calm both parent and child. Use few words
as an upset child does not hear or think well.

- Perhaps both Dad and daughter needed a time out, some space to consider what happened.

- Children need to make amends to feel worthwhile and loved. This child would have benefited
from helping Dad clean the mess.

- Being an intelligent and capable child, she didn’t need to be reminded that she ruined her father’s
day.

The blessing in positive parenting is that you always get another chance to handle it differently next
time. Anger comes from feeling a lack of control over oneself. The following tips can help both par-
ent and child do better.

Preventive Tips:
The teaching, the true discipline happens at good talk times.
- Learn from 20/20 hindsight. Have you let your child know what to expect specifically throughout
the day? Do you offer choices? Are you doing too much for him when he can do it for himself?
Are your expectations reasonable? Have you recently had good connection with hugs and some
fun?

- Encouragement builds courage and opens the heart to learning. Tell him you know he is very
capable. He will learn to recognize his feelings and get what he needs without getting so upset.
Teach him to recognize his feelings using books and games and role play. Inquire of children’s
librarians, teachers or bookstores to learn of good resources.

- Check his perception about the cause (“When I felt so angry, I slammed the door”) and the effect
( “I broke a very expensive window and could have been terribly hurt”). Finally, explore together
what he might do differently next time?

- Be sure to model the behavior you want to see.
Encourage! Focus on all the good.

From the Bellevue Pediatratic associations newsletter (www.MyPediatricAssociates.com)

My thoughts:

As a father of a 3 year old girl, this was interesting to read and had many lessons.

I have noticed that it helps to be aware when one is very tired and more likely to snap. (Tired = catch all word for fatigued, in physical pain, head ache, busy with still lots to do, strict expectations of time and results) Awareness itself comes with having space to think, observe and making a practise of it with other activities like Yoga, Mediation, Walking, Morning or Night quiet time.

This came in from our local doctor’s clinic, so is good to see them pro-actively them parents.